Funny Quoats

A computer once beet me at chess, but is was no match for me at kickboxing.
Accept that some days your the pigeon and some days your the statue.
I remember what my dad told me when I was young. He said "Son, if you want to get anywhere in this life you've got to work for it. Now Quiet, the lottery results are coming on."
always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more.
Avoid employing unlucky people. throw half the CV in the bin before looking at them.

Optimist and Pessimist

An optimist is some one who falls of the Empire state building and after 50 floors says "So far so good."
When an optimist and a pessimist both look at a polo, the optimist sees the sweat and the pessimist sees the hole
Its good to be a Pessimist, your always right or pleasantly surprised.
A optimist sees  a rose and no thorns, the pessimist sees the thorns while oblivious to to the rose.
In the long run a pessimist may be right but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
A pessimist sees the dark side of clouds and mopes. A philosopher sees both sides and shrugs. An optimist doesn't see any clouds, hes walking on them.

Thats life

I intend to live forever... So far so good.
I want to peacfuly in my sleep like my grandfarther did. Not screaming and yelling like the passenger in his car.
I was lucky,life gave me lemmons. I made lemmon juice, and sat back to let the world wonder how I did it.  

When life gives you lemmons

When Life gives you lemmons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemmons, throw them at someone

When life gives you lemmons, alter there DNA and make SUPER LEMMONS!!!!

Doctor Doctor

Doctor, Doctor, will I be able to play the violin after this operation.
Of course you will.
Great! I never could before.

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor,Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains.
Pull Yourself together.

Doctor, Doctor my irregular hart beat is starting to frighten me.
Don't worry, we'll soon put a stop to it.

Doctor, Doctor my hands can't stop shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not relay, I spill most of it.

Doctor,doctor I've got wind, can you give me something for it?
Yes, here's a kite.

Doctor, doctor I've got insomnia.
Just sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Random Quotes

I used to think I was undecisive, but now Im not sure.
The Univeres dossent have laws, it has habits. Habits can be broken.
The sooner you fall behind the longer you have to catch up.
Great minds run in great circles.
The one who says it can't be done should never interupt the one who is doing it.
The lottery is a tax on people who don't understand maths.
Every where is in walking distance... If you have the time.

What?

1 in 5000 North Atlantic lobsters are born bright blue.
Diet Coke was invented in 1982
American car horns beep in the tone if "F"